TAKE ME HOME COUNTRY ROADS
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Posted:Oct 8, 2007 12:08 pm
Last Updated:Oct 18, 2007 10:07 am
3464 Views
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I made a short (in time not in distance) road trip to West Virginia this weekend. The trip was uneventful, but not without a few entertaining moments.
The first occurred on Friday night. I stopped at the West Virginia Welcome Center located on the Maryland, West Virginia border.
I made my way to the men's room to relieve myself of the fabulous Wa-Wa coffee. I was blissfully taking care of business, when I heard a loud conversation coming from the far stall.
As I was washing my hands, I realized the occupant was talking on a cell phone.
This is what I heard.....
“You need to collect all the documents and get them to the lawyer tonight”
a pause for a response
“Don't forget the receipts and the.......FLUSH
I almost busted out laughing right then. So I hustled out of the Men's Room and left the Welcome Center giggling to myself to complete my trip.
Is is just me or is it odd to talk on the phone while seated on the throne let alone in a public place?
Is flushing while talking rude? That may be one for Emily Post
The second moment happened the next morning. I was driving on a back country road to my Uncle's farm. I passed a run down farmhouse that had a huge sign hand painted on a sheet of plywood in front of it.
The sign read as follows
TRESPASSERS WILL BE SHOT ON SIGHT
SURVIVORS WILL BE SHOT AGAIN
KEEP OUT
There was no doubt in my mind that person was serious. Frontier justice is alive and well in the hills.
A sign like that would be so out of place almost anywhere else. I felt strangely at home
Until Next Time
I am as always enjoying the ride
XX and ^5
MJ
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TAG I AM IT
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Posted:Sep 26, 2007 10:16 am
Last Updated:Oct 9, 2007 1:54 pm
3464 Views
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It has finally happened I have been:
Tagged By dddestiny
~ Ten Weird or Random Things, Facts, Habits or Goals:
1) I love to cook
(mainly Mediterranean influenced seafood and pastas)
2) I can't fast dance
(I can slow dance infact I enjoy it)
3) I hate to talk about myself (see #5)
4) I do talk to myself
(Usually something like “MJ you dumbass why did you do that”
5) I am quite shy (see #3)
Halfway done this is not easy guess that goes back to numbers 3 and 5.
6) I am hooked on shows like How do they do that, Made in America, and Modern Marvels
(I love to see how things are made. I also watch Lifetime Movies  )
7) My best friend says I am Alton Brown's alter ego
(I am a huge Food Network fan)
8] I have a very dry sense of humor and can be sarcastic (not in a cruel way)
9) I want to buy a motorcycle in the worst way (they are sculptures you ride)
10) I want to: learn to weld, study eastern philosophy, and learn to snowboard
I am finally finished with my list 
I will make a list to people I have tagged and post that soon
Until Next Time
I am as always just me
XX and ^5
MJ
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14
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HOW DEEP IS MY PONDERING?
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Posted:Sep 19, 2007 9:42 am
Last Updated:Oct 9, 2007 9:19 am
3568 Views
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I heard a comedian refer to his deep thinking wife as a ponderer. Of course that got me thinking about the way I think. (YES, I DO THINK AT LEAST I THINK I DO You could say I was checking the depth of my ponder.
If I am not “thinking” my mind tends to leap randomly from one tangent to another seemingly unrelated tangent. Much like an escaped monkey leaping from head to head in a room full of bald men. Eventually returning full circle to where it started, my thoughts not the monkey. When I stop to think about the steps my mind took to get around the circle, they are connected albeit tenuously. In what amounts to a solo game of six degrees of separation.
When my mind is under my voluntary control it functions adequately for my needs. Admittedly a bit weak in the remembering department.
I don't spend a great deal of time in contemplation of “deep” subjects. The meaning of life. Are we alone in the universe?, How does the cream filling get in a Twinkie?
I instead find myself thinking: What is for lunch? Did I lock my truck? What is the Mermaid doing now? [post 1049933] Are my zipped up? Have I blogged today?
All immediately important subjects to be certain. On the surface not deep at all, but under closer less literal analysis using Maslow's hierarchy of needs they at least ripple the deep end of the pond.
Let me explain:
What is for lunch? Physical (base of the pyramid)
Did I lock my truck? Safety (second level)
What is the Mermaid doing? Love (third level)
Are my pants zipped up? Esteem (forth level)
Have I blogged today? Self-actualization (top of the pyramid)
My ponder may not be deep, but the water moves fast and there is the occasional whirlpool
Until Next Time
I am as always wondering what is for lunch
XX and ^5
MJ
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15
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HOW DEEP IS MY PONDERING?
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Posted:Sep 19, 2007 8:36 am
Last Updated:Oct 11, 2007 8:38 am
3333 Views
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I heard a comedian refer to his deep thinking wife as a ponderer. Of course that got me thinking about the way I think. (YES, I DO THINK AT LEAST I THINK I DO You could say I was checking the depth of my ponder.
If I am not “thinking” my mind tends to leap randomly from one tangent to another seemingly unrelated tangent. Much like an escaped monkey leaping from head to head in a room full of bald men. Eventually returning full circle to where it started, my thoughts not the monkey. When I stop to think about the steps my mind took to get around the circle, they are connected albeit tenuously. In what amounts to a solo game of six degrees of separation.
When my mind is under my voluntary control it functions adequately for my needs. Admittedly a bit weak in the remembering department.
I don't spend a great deal of time in contemplation of “deep” subjects. The meaning of life. Are we alone in the universe?, How does the cream filling get in a Twinkie?
I instead find myself thinking: What is for lunch? Did I lock my truck? What is the Mermaid doing now? [post 1049933] Are my zipped up? Have I blogged today?
All immediately important subjects to be certain. On the surface not deep at all, but under closer less literal analysis using Maslow's hierarchy of needs they at least ripple the deep end of the pond.
Let me explain:
What is for lunch? Physical (base of the pyramid)
Did I lock my truck? Safety (second level)
What is the Mermaid doing? Love (third level)
Are my pants zipped up? Esteem (forth level)
Have I blogged today? Self-actualization (top of the pyramid)
My ponder may not be deep, but the water moves fast and there is the occasional whirlpool
Until Next Time
I am as always wondering what is for lunch
XX and ^5
MJ
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8
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NEXT LOGICAL STEP?
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Posted:Sep 10, 2007 10:12 am
Last Updated:Sep 24, 2007 5:44 am
3469 Views
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I was listening sports talk radio last week. The host was discussing logical things that are never said. His example was: George Washington's brother is the uncle of our country.
I can honestly say I had never thought of that before, but I could not argue with his logic.
That got me to thinking if a nonsensical statement like that can be logical.
Is all logic nonsense?
The alternative being:
Is nonsense logical?
By then I had a headache so I stopped pondering
Until Next Time
I am as always blending nonsense and logic
XX and ^5
MJ
drowsy
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5
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THE SAGA OF TOMMY THE TREE MAN
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Posted:Aug 23, 2007 10:50 am
Last Updated:Apr 15, 2008 6:38 am
3688 Views
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My house has a number of large trees on the lot. I hired Tommy the Tree Man to trim a few branches. His estimate was 3 men 2 days to trim the trees, haul away the debris, and clean up the yard. What we got was 2 men 4 days and counting. The four days was spread over three weeks.
He showed up bright and early last Saturday. He set up his ladder cut one branch and promptly fell out of the tree. It was like a cartoon in slow motion. The ladder tipped and off he went. Showing style he did landed unhurt on his feet. The chainsaw in his hands was still running.
Not exactly how I wanted to start my weekend.
Until Next Time
I am as always on the look out for an early fall
XX and ^5s
MJ
PS
Tommy finally finished....I had to call him three times to come get his money  . I was smart enough not to pay him in advance 
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I HAVE THE MUZAK IN ME
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Posted:Aug 20, 2007 12:13 pm
Last Updated:Aug 28, 2007 6:40 am
3575 Views
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I played phone tag today trying to get a straight answer from my insurance company. As I was placed on hold while being connected to yet another department; I noticed the music that was being played to placate me while I waited.
The song was oddly familiar, but not overtly so.
I pondered where I knew the song from............Then it hit me.
Which is appropriate considering where I knew the song from.
The song was: "The Story of a Soldier" ("La Storia Di un Soldato" in Italian). It is also known as The Torture Theme from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.
The song appears in the portion of the movie that takes place in a civil war prison camp. The camp band and choir sing or play the song to cover the sounds of the warden beating prisoners
Then I realized waiting on hold can be Torture, trying to get a simple question answered can be as well. Nothing like a bit of tangential thinking right after lunch
Was it simply random muzak; or was the insurance company practicing subliminal control of callers' thought processes
Until Next Time
I am as always singing along with the music while on hold
XX AND ^5
MJ
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12
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THE THINGS I SEE ON THE ROAD
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Posted:Aug 16, 2007 8:00 am
Last Updated:Apr 15, 2008 6:38 am
3700 Views
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Driving on the highway I see trucks labeled many different ways, explosive, corrosive, non-potable water, non-food grease do not eat, and of course Bio-hazard
This morning I was making my fortnightly trek to our main office. (I never have been able to use the word fortnightly before.) As I was merging on to the highway, I see a heavily reinforced tanker tractor-trailer in the lane next to me. I expected to see it labeled; acid, radioactive, or toxic.
Instead I see multiple labels announcing the cargo as ………………
Alcoholic Beverage.
I have seen beer trucks on the road, but never an entire tanker labeled in such away. A King Kong sized beer can. It was a frat boys dream come true. I would love to see John Belushi crush that can on his forehead like he did in that classic film Animal House
Seems like an invitation to be hi-jacked to me.
Until Next Time
I am as always
Amusing myself as I drive
XX and ^5s
MJ
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11
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ADVENTURES IN PARKING
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Posted:Aug 15, 2007 8:33 am
Last Updated:Aug 20, 2007 9:50 am
3496 Views
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Reading Hippiechick1967's blog about a self parking Lexus, SelfParking Lexus reminded me of a long forgotten incident involving parallel parking.
In my college days I lived in an apartment above a women's lingerie store. Think not of Victoria's Secret instead picture the Mother from Throw Mama from the Train. We are talking industrial strength bras and panties. There was no parking except for on street parking parallel parking after the stores closed.
Just up the street from my apartment was a Dry Cleaner. The locals hung out in the parking lot after hours (that should tell you how exciting the town was)
One evening I was parallel parking my old Bronco on the left side of the street. I could parallel park on the right side with my eyes closed. The left side was a different story.
I made several failed attempts to park the beast. The Dry Cleaner gang began watching with obvious amusement. Eventually they blocked traffic to make my parking easier.
When I was finally parked, I received a good natured standing ovation from the helpful throng.
It was then I realized my passenger side door could only be open from the outside. (My girlfriend at the time broke both the handle and window crank) I had to walk around the truck to let my male passenger out.
I held my head high opening his door to laughter from across the street. After I closed and locked his door I took a bow and walked down the street.
Until Next Time
I am as always looking for my lost dignity
XX and ^5s
MJ
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PROOF YET AGAIN I AM NOT THE KEYMASTER
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Posted:Aug 14, 2007 9:37 am
Last Updated:Apr 15, 2008 6:39 am
3749 Views
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Yet another key moment in my life.
I have a 10 foot enclosed utility trailer that I use from time to time for my contracting business. I parked it on the street for a few days while Tommy the Tree Guy trimmed huge branches that hung over my house and driveway.
After a 16 hour day of work and soccer practice I decided to return the trailer to the driveway. I hooked the trailer up and attempted to back into the driveway. I say attempted it was as if I had never backed anything up before.
I circled the block to get a fresh start in parking the trailer. I was just about to turn the corner in front of my house when this van pulls up . I signaled for the turn. He turned off his lights. I turned off my lights to signal for him to go. Neither of us moved. He was blocking the path to my house. I turned on my flashers and waited and waited. After a few minutes I saw the driver light a cigarette . I waited some more. I was getting more and more irritated by the minute.
The van was facing my neighbor's house. The neighbor's who were out of town. My irritation turned to suspicion immediately. I unrolled my window and shined my mag light at the van. I got a glimpse of the driver. The van took off. I followed it to get the plate number.
After a low speed pursuit I returned home I parked the trailer first try. Then the key moment occurred
I could not find my keys. I remembered leaving them on the bumper of my truck. Of course they were not there.
I retraced my path through the neighborhood, no luck. I thought perhaps I lost them doing my civic duty. I followed my route slowly only to find my keys on the main road outside my neighborhood. They had been run over a few times. A number of my keys were bent beyond use lucky for me I had just made spares to some of them.
Until Next Time
I am as always looking for a locksmith that offers volume discounts
XX and ^5s
MJ
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14
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GOOD OLD BOYS...............NOT
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Posted:Aug 8, 2007 9:15 am
Last Updated:Aug 12, 2007 12:36 pm
3806 Views
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The Mermaid and I grazing at a Chinese Buffet last week. Our bliss was broken when two good old boys from south of the border** flopped down in the booth behind the Mermaid.
** I am referring to two men from North Carolina, not the other South of the Border. I am positive they were from NC. They were wearing matching shirts from a realty company located on the North Carolina coast about 90 miles from here.
Their not so subtle landing shook our booth and table immediately drawing our attention to them. Even without the crash landing they were both “loud talkers”
One of their conversations with the waitress, who spoke English, but not as her primary language, went something like this:
Waitress: “What would you like to drink?”
GOB #1 (Good Old Boy): “Coke without ice”
GOB #2 “Beer” Each sentence gets louder
Waitress: “We do not have that”
GOB #2 “Beer” makes pftt noise and mimics opening a can. “What is that Chinese Beer called? You are from China, Right?”
Waitress: “Tsing Tao” (PRONOUNCED SING TA
GOB #2: “Ting Toe (SAYS TING TOE) I'll have one of those and a Coke with ice”
Waitress: “We do not have beer”
Waitress: Returns with Cokes
GOB#2 : “You forgot the beer”
Waitress: “We do not sell beer”
Manager: “We do not sell beer”
Thus ended the episode of rude ugly American.
So much for southern hospitality and gentility
Until Next Time
I am as always seeing rude people
XX and ^5s
MJ
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5
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A MOTHER OF A GOOSE
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Posted:Aug 7, 2007 11:12 am
Last Updated:Aug 12, 2007 12:37 pm
3670 Views
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I am no Doctor Doolittle. I do not talk to the animals. It is just the opposite. I am taunted by them. I have chronicled my misadventures with Killer Cows; Mama Dog, and Bess the Wonder Cat.
I was reminded of other adventures this weekend. I went back to West Virginia for a visit.
We visited my Brother (of killer cow fame) and his wife who have a herd of goats and a on their farm.
The goats reminded me of the involuntary barnyard watersking I did as a . The exact circumstances escape me. Suffice if to say I was pulled across a arena on my stomach by a goat. Eventually I let go of the lead I was holding. No I did not hit any deposits along the way.
My brother's has a habit of nuzzling you if you are not paying attention to her. That happened to me this weekend. I suddenly flashed back to my first hickey.
I was about 8, my family was visiting a petting zoo. At the zoo; an amorous female llama took a fancy to me. She followed me around the zoo, nudging me with her head until I petted her. We walked out of the zoo. I was standing with my back to the fence. The llama reached over the fence and bit me on the neck. She left a mark on my neck and on my heart.
The last animal misadventure involved a goose. I was working on a Navy base as a contractor. During my lunch break I walked across the street to watch a ship docking. As I approached the water's edge I hear a HOOONNNKKKKK and see a blur of feathers headed my way. Both belonged to a pissed off Mama Goose who took offense to my presence on her turf.
[For those of you who have not met a goose face to face they are mean viscous creatures. My great-uncle used geese to guard his chicken coops. The geese either ran off predators or created enough noise to alert my uncle to the predator.]
I initially stood my ground, but the goose kept advancing HOOONNNKKKKK FLAP- FLAP HOOOOOOOONNNKKKK!!!!!!!. I think that loosely translates to “I am so going to kick your ass if you don't get the hell off my turf.” I slowly backed away from the goose. I did not want to turn my back on her for fear of being attacked. (Turning your back on a pissed off female of any species is ill advised.) The goose kept advancing. She escorting me flapping and honking all the way across the street. Much to the amusement of my crew who was watching from the safety of the truck.
XX
and ^5s
Until Next Time I am as Always
feeling like Marlin Perkins' sidekick, Jim, on Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom
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5
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I DID IT AGAIN (I LOST SOMETHING)
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Posted:Jul 21, 2007 8:30 am
Last Updated:Sep 18, 2007 9:49 am
3996 Views
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I did it again. I lost something. No newsflash to my readers, but like most of my goof ball moments the story is far from typical. I was on “vacation” last week. Vacation is in quotes because in general it was everything a vacation should not be and then some. That is a story for my next post.
Last Friday was our last full day on the beach. We went surfing as usual for the week. The surf was good until a huge thunderstorm blew about 4pm. Gathering 1 Mermaid, 2 preteen boys, 5 surfboards, assorted beach gear and moving everything and everyone 200 yards to the truck took coordination and a bit of shouting. (at the boys who have no fear of lightening)
As I was loading the gear in the back of the truck, the wind blew my hat off my head. (my new straw hat by the way) I rescued my hat forgetting my good sunglasses were perched on the top. I continued loading the gear and strapping the surfboards to the racks as the storm got closer.
The loading finished. I wrapped a towel around me and dropped my trunks. Then the rain started for real. I hopped in to the drives seat to get out of the storm. The Mermaid and I had seen a gallery down the road we wanted to check out. So off we drove.
I finished getting dressed in the gallery parking lot. We went in and while browsing the skies opened up and the rain came down in barrels.
When the rain slowed to a moderate deluge we dashed to the truck. (Mermaid thanks for the incense holder. It is great  )
Wanting to avoid the crowd at the house that we were staying at. It was decided to take the boys for pizza. It was not until I pulled into the pizzeria's parking lot I realized my sunglasses were gone.
After dinner I drove to the parking spot for the beach to look for my glasses. It was under about 8 inches of water. They were no where to be seen. We checked the gallery parking lot too. Failure again.
On Saturday we returned to the same break to surf for a bit to avoid the traffic off the island. After a few hours we loaded to leave. The last board secured I went to shut the tailgate. Then I saw between my truck and trailer a dark lens sticking out of the sand. Picking it up my heart sank it was my lens, but no glasses. They were apparently buried in the sand during the storm. There were multiple sets of tire tracks in the area. At minimum I drove my truck over them. I dug in to the sand about six inches and found one temple. Digging even deeper I found the remaining parts still connected in one sand covered piece. I rinsed the collected debris of my sunglasses. To my surprise nothing was broken.
I snapped the lens back in place and reattached the temple. They still fit. Except for a small scratch on one lens they are no worse for the experience.
Then is dawned on me, like my sunglasses. I have been scarred and scratched along the road, but dust me off and I am good to go again.
Until Next Time
I am as always viewing the world through scratched sunglasses
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