venting
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Posted:Aug 13, 2008 7:26 am
Last Updated:Sep 26, 2008 5:10 am
3610 Views
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backed into a corner
by their lies
backed into a corner
no hope of defense
backed into a corner
no where else to go
i bite my tongue
while selling myself
i bite my tongue
while losing my soul
i bite my tongue
while i turn into you
my insides churn
my skin crawls
the acid burns
the joy away
i must choose
to act or vanish
i refuse to yield
to a greed fed ego
backed into a corner
my spine stiffens
backed into a corner
my hackles raise
backed into a corner
i will not wither
no longer will i bite my tongue
i will savage their lies
no longer will i bite my tongue.......
cont
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4
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VIOLATING THE 7 P RULE*
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Posted:Aug 12, 2008 9:50 am
Last Updated:Aug 15, 2008 6:29 am
3558 Views
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A few days ago a man robbed a bank in the local area. That in itself is not unusual. His method however was. He robbed the bank using the drive up window.
No.... not the one with the drawer that goes right into the bank He put a note that said “I have a gun. This is a robbery” into the little capsule and pushed the button. Sending it through the tube into the bank hoping the teller would fill the capsule and send it back.
This would seem like a plan with countless flaws. First of all you are outside the bank and pose no actual threat. (The chance of the teller laughing at you is probably higher then then chance of success)
There is also the fact they have a close up picture of your face, a description of the get away car and most likely a photo of the car license. (I think would decrease the likelihood of a successful escape)
The biggest issue by far is size matters. Robbing a bank is not an all you can eat use a clean plate with each trip buffet. It is a one trip salad bar so you better male the one trip count. The capsule in the drive up tellers really limits the amount of cash you could take. (The risk to benefit ratio seems poor)
The lazy bandit did have a bit of success. He found a teller that did not laugh and actually gave him cash.
He was arrested the next day. The police were aided by a detailed description of his car, and a crystal clear photo taken by the teller cam. The tip-line received numerous calls from people who recognized the man .
Until Next Time
I am as always convinced somebody is peeing in the gene pool
*PROPER PRIOR PLANNING PREVENTS PISS POOR PROFORMANCE
XX and ^5
MJ
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6
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MUD PUDDLES AND TOILET BOWLS
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Posted:Jul 23, 2008 9:34 am
Last Updated:Aug 17, 2013 2:20 am
4088 Views
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I saw a product in the grocery store last evening. That gave me paws for a moment. Bottled water for dogs, not just any bottled water, but fortified flavor water.
Spearmint Flavored (Fresh Breath)
Lemongrass Flavored (Healthy Joints) formulated with nutrients for joint health
Parsley Flavored (Healthy Skin) formulated with zinc
Peanut Butter Flavored (Healthy Bones) formulated with calcium
No toilet bowl or mud puddle flavor in sight
Who knew dogs liked Lemongrass? Peanut Butter was a no brainer. I have never seen a that does not like peanut butter.
All of that flavor and nutrition does not come cheap. Fortifido Brand (I swear I did not make that up) sells for two liters for three dollars. That works out to about six dollars a gallon.
Of course this got me to thinking of flavors more appropriate for actual dogs.
Butt Flavored (Breath) with new improved just licked flavor
Kitchen Garbage Flavored (Nutritional Balanced) All of the flavor of knocking over the kitchen garbage can with none of the punishment or guilt
Road Kill Flavored (Healthy Skin) Tastes like something any self respecting would love to roll in
Raw Hide Flavored (Dental Health) Who doesn't like a good raw hide?
New for Summer 2008 Gourmet Desert Waters
Cat Box Cookie Flavored (Just cause they are good) The best part of the cat experience.
Used Diaper Flavored (Do you have to ask?) No muss no fuss just yummy
Beer Flavored (Perfect for tailgating with your humans) No more “accidentally” knocking bottles off of the table with your tail
Much more appropriate flavors, I think
Until Next Time
I am as always thinking who ever said “ A fool and their money are soon parted” was right
XX and ^5
MJ
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10
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HAT SHOPPING ( I STOLE THE TITLE FROM PURPLE TRASH CAN)
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Posted:Jul 22, 2008 8:19 am
Last Updated:Aug 15, 2013 11:52 pm
3407 Views
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Mermaid just bought a Harley. [post 1505854] tells the story. Her bike...that makes me her bitch. I am ok with that. Actually she is going to let me ride her bike to work to save fuel. My beloved pick up is diesel. With diesel now almost five bucks a gallon taking the bike to work two weeks a month will save enough money to pay for it and insurance too.
I have not started riding it to work. I have not taken the safety course yet. She has wisely made this a requirement before I head on down the highway.
One of the requirements of the course is a ¾ helmet. That is one that covers your ears and the back of the head. I have already selected my helmet and it does not cover my years. So I have to find a ¾ helmet for the course.
That is not an easy task. I have a huge melon.
8 ¾ is the approximate size. That translates to between a XXL and XXXL helmet. Those are not easy to find. The only one I have found that even comes close to fitting comfortably made me look like the Great Gazoo from Flintstone fame.
That is a non-starter even I have some pride.
I don't want to order one online as the fit of helmets varies greatly with in a given size. So I am continuing my quest for the perfect brain bucket.
I joked the other day about starting a web based company called Big Head's Helmets. We would only sell huge helmets and magnum condoms. Those two products do go together. You all know what they day about men with big heads.................................
Until Next Time
I am as always proof to the saying about men with big heads.
XX and ^5
MJ
.....................big helmets of course 
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6
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A BAR, A KNIFE AND ROUGHAGE
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Posted:Jul 11, 2008 8:14 am
Last Updated:Jul 21, 2008 12:23 pm
3681 Views
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I had lunch yesterday with the owner of a business we refer customers to. It was a thank you lunch for sending him business. It was his nickel so he picked the place. He chose a nice 4 star place with a business person's lunch buffet.
So far so good....
I went to fix my salad at the bar. It was small as salad bars go. Iceberg and field greens, but no romaine nor spinach. Garbanzos, black and kidney beans, chicken and ham a few other things I can't remember (imagine me not remembering)
At the end of the bar was a tiki hut that had a round wooden cutting board and the dressings inside, surrounding it was a selection of cheese, nuts and fresh fruit.
As I was reaching for the Parmesan Cheese a woman appeared and said:
“I have to chop your salad first”
“WTF” I think to myself; not being one to argue with a woman wielding a giant knife I comply.
My carefully constructed salad is unceremoniously dumped off my plate on to a tree stump. The aforementioned lady goes Zorro on my roughage with a ULU on steroids. After reducing my salad to a mulch pile she scrapes it off the stump into a bowl.
Handing it back to me she says, “Add what ever you wish from the selections in front”
I obediently add some Parmesan Cheese. She holds out her hands asking what kind of dressing I want.
“Caesar, please Ma'am”
She ladles dressing in gives the bowl a toss or two. Then my salad gets dumped back on to my original plate.
“Enjoy” she gleefully added as I reached for my plate.
I was not clear if that was a suggestion, a hopeful suggestion or an order.
As looked down onto a plate of basically unrecognizable dressing coated bits. I was reminded of a very old Saturday Night Live skit involving a restaurant that served pre-chewed food.
Call me unrefined, uncultured, or even an Oaf, but food that is made complicated just to be complicated has no appeal for me.
That is akin to people who act weird just to be weird not because they are weird.
People should be true to who they are and so should food
I truly believe that KISS principle
KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID
Until Next Time
I am as always a simple somebody
XX and ^5
MJ
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19
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WHERE
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Posted:Jun 30, 2008 12:59 pm
Last Updated:Jul 18, 2008 6:28 pm
3566 Views
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This game is kind of like Where's Waldo only easier. I can be found either: at work, at home in the bathroom, or at Home Depot
I have been absent from the blogs for about a month.
This is a brief up date on my where abouts and adventures.
The first week of June was a family vacation. Little house right on the beach, one of the ten best surf breaks in the US steps from the house just me, Mermaid and our boys. Best week of my life until the last day when my surfboard decided to get up close and personal with my nose and front teeth. Nothing broken, but even now a month later nose is still sore and one of my teeth is loose.
Been busting my ass at work to make up for the time off. Quotas don't prorate around here. I am also coordinating our facility expansion. Have not spoken to my boss for three weeks. He has not returned any of my weekly update phone calls. Still getting paid however.
I have gutted our master bathroom. “Repairs” done prior to me buying the house were substandard. We had rotting shower floor. I also fell through the subfloor in front of the toilet. That could have been a disaster. Now bare studs, ceiling and floor joists are the design elements for a bit.
I have broken my own person indoor Home Depot trip record. I was at that big orange slice of heaven 9 times this weekend. (hard to plan ahead to minimize trips when I continue to find shit wrong)
I was getting ready to go work on the bathroom the other day. I needed to put on my socks, boots and gloves. I actually got confused and tried to put a glove on my foot. To my credit I did try to put the left glove on the left foot.
Until next time I am as always
more often than not at Home Depot
XO and ^5
MJ
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10
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I CAN'T THINK OF A GOOD TITLE
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Posted:Jun 17, 2008 9:00 am
Last Updated:Jun 27, 2008 5:40 am
3640 Views
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I heard this today. It made me think. Perhaps that is why my head hurts.
A father took his young to visit the grave of the boy's grandfather.
As they stood looking at the headstone; the father asked this question:
“, what do you see written on that stone?”
The boy replied: “Grandpa's name, his birthday date and the date he passed away”
“What is the most important thing written on the stone?” asked the boy's father.
The boy pondered the question. He could not come up with any portion that was more important than any other. “Dad, I don't know” the boy replied.
“ do you see the dash between Grandpa's birthday and his last day? That dash represents his life. It is what you do with your dash that matters. “
Until Next Time
I am as always (starting now) contemplating my dash
XX and ^5
MJ
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19
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ADDING TO MY VOCABULARY
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Posted:May 29, 2008 8:20 am
Last Updated:Jul 18, 2008 6:28 pm
3796 Views
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I was watching Braveheart on HBO in the living room a few nights ago. I got sleepy and went to the bedroom to watch it until I fell asleep. The part of the movie that was playing was the first real battle. The battle that the freedom fighters used the spears to repel the heavy horses of the English forces.
The fight raged on. The characters screamed, yelled and cursed.
Cut to the a close up of William Wallace charging toward the English commander. His mane was flowing. He was wielding a two handed broad sword with only one hand.
“BASSSS....TARRRRRRR.....DOOOOO!!!!!!!” he roared
Then it hit me. Braveheart was speaking Spanish. In fact all of the characters were. I was so caught up in the action I had not noticed. I had selected HBO ESP instead of HBO1. On the bright side I had added a word to my Spanish vocabulary.
I guess somethings need no translation.
Until Next Time
I am as always “habla Espanol un poco”
XO and ^5
MJ
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8
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THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME DEPOT
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Posted:May 5, 2008 11:44 am
Last Updated:Jun 8, 2008 2:48 pm
4456 Views
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I out MJ'd myself today. I had a only happens to me adventure and a misremembering incident combined.
I had to run an errand before work this morning. So, I left for work extra early to allow for a fast stop a Southern States. Wrapping that up I decided I had enough time to stop a Mal Wart to look for a bird feeder or two. Mermaid is turning our yard into a smörgåsbord for all things avian. Striking out at Mal Wart I checked my watch and noted I had more than a half an hour until the office opened. So off to my second home, Home Depot.
I ran in through the garden centre (I love the alternative spelling). I made my purchases and went to check out. I handed the cashier two gift cards. She said that will be $36 additional dollars. I only had $25 on me. I had an emergency $100 stashed in my truck. I went and got my funds. I handed the $100 bill to the cashier
She said “I don't have change”
I replied “This is all I have”
“I'll have to get change” she said She phoned somewhere asking for change. She took my hundred and put in a carrier and up the pneumatic tube it went.
Ten minutes no change; fifteen minutes no change.....I looked at my watch. Then it hit me.
Today is Monday. The significance being the office opens at 8:30 not the usual 9:00. It was now 8:45. I had forgotten, I mean misremembered what day it was. That was it, I had finally forgotten to go to work
I was trapped like a rat. Late for work and being held hostage by the person on the other end of the pneumatic tube at Home Depot. For extra added fun, I left my phone in my truck and could not call work.
I was beginning to feel like Dorothy. (No I was not wearing my ruby flip flops) My fate in the hands of an unseen wizard.
Twenty Five minutes after sucking up my money. The pneumatic tube disgorged change so I could finally start my work week.
Until Next Time
I am as always convinced
There is no place like Home Depot.........
There is no place like Home Depot.........
There is no place like Home Depot.........
XX and ^5
MJ
PS
Yesterday my and I were in Home Depot. He looks at me and says with all seriousness; “Dad you could live here and never have to leave. Everything you need is here.” I had to admit the was right.
PSS
I also misremembered a Doctor's appointment at 8:30 yesterday morning too.
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28
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(Page:)
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BILLY RAY PRESLEY?
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Posted:Apr 29, 2008 8:21 am
Last Updated:May 5, 2008 11:41 am
3434 Views
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Sunday, Mermaid and I were driving through a shopping center parking lot when I spied a man sporting a pompadour worthy of The King or at worse Roy Orbison. It was a thing of beauty. All slicked back with a gravity defying peak.
The majestic image was shattered when we got a view of the back. This dude was not sporting a DA or a taper. He was rocking a mullet that rivaled Billy Ray Cyrus' in his Achy Breaky days. He invented his own generational melding hairstyle
Was it a Pompallet?
Was is a Mulladour?
The difference was dramatic. The transition was immediate. It was as if we had seen one of those half man half woman characters from Star Trek. In this case it was half classic Las Vegas half Road House 2.
What ever it was he was wearing it with a coolness that only comes from the inside.
Until Next Time
I am as always happy to see people with their own drum section
XX and ^5
MJ
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5
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Penis theft panic hits city..
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Posted:Apr 23, 2008 12:47 pm
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2008 4:38 pm
3825 Views
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The following is a public service announcement aimed at owners of penises and lovers of penises everywhere
Gentlemen watch your junk closely. Lest you become the latest victim of penis poaching
Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected
sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises
Reports of so-called penis snatching are not uncommon in West Africa, where belief in traditional religions and witchcraft remains widespread, and where ritual killings to obtain blood or body parts still occur.
Rumors of penis theft began circulating last week in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo's sprawling capital of some 8 million inhabitants. They quickly dominated radio call-in shows, with listeners advised to beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings.
Purported victims, 14 of whom were also detained by police, claimed that sorcerers simply touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear, in what some residents said was an attempt to extort cash with the promise of a cure.
"I'm tempted to say it's one huge joke," one investigator said.
It's real. Just yesterday here, there was a man who was a victim. We saw. What was left was tiny," said a vendor who sells phone credits near a Kinshasa police station.
"But when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it's become tiny or that they've become impotent. To that I tell them, 'How do you know if you haven't gone home and tried it'," he said.
Until Next Time
I am as always wary of penis pilferers
XX and ^5
MJ
PS Do you suppose they send those convicted of boner burgulary to a penal colony or a regular jail?
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6
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THERE IS SUCH THING AS A DUMB QUESTION
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Posted:Apr 22, 2008 12:28 pm
Last Updated:May 4, 2008 5:29 pm
3821 Views
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Just discovered. Every teacher who told you there is no such thing as a dumb question was.....
wrong.
I was hit upside the head with the long illusive dumb question the other day.
Background information: In my town in addition to regular garbage collection and recycling we have bulk pick up. This is for large items that won't fit in the can. I was disposing of my 's broken basketball hoop. I had cut the entire thing up in to large chunks per the detailed instructions provided by the local government. I dutifully piled them up in the street as directed. What I had was a pile of black steel on a black top road that would be nearly invisible at night. It looked like an accident waiting for a time to happen.
I decided to place a couple of orange traffic cones to alert traffic of the hazard in the road. Seemed like a logical, obvious and prudent step to take.
Yet while I was placing the cones. An adult male who lives across the road from my neighborhood rides up on his bicycle.
He asks in all seriousness “What are those cones for?”
I explained they were to warn cars of the hazard in the road.
Satisfied by my explanation he rode away with his grandchildren
Until Next Time
I am as always being safe
XX and ^5
MJ
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6
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"WAITER MY COFFEE TASTES LIKE SHIT"
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Posted:Apr 10, 2008 1:01 pm
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2008 6:16 am
3746 Views
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“There is a sucker born every minute” That immortal phrase attributed to PT Barnum fits especially well here. (**I say attributed because there is a conflicting story attributing this phrase to a competitor of Barnum's, but I digress) I read a story today about a coffee shop in London selling the world's most expensive cup of coffee. The store is selling a special blend of coffee, called Kopi Luwak, for 50 pounds a cup, that is about $100 dollars.
What makes this coffee so special is how it is processed. The ripe beans, called cherries, are eaten by a Palm Civet, a cat like mammal native to south east Asia. The “beans” pass undigested through the animal. To quote a gourmet coffee merchant purveyor “...during this process some of the proteins in the beans are broken down, making the coffee much less acidic and delightfully smooth, while imparting a delicate caramel aftertaste...”
Can you say Yuck?
I hAve a huge caffeine addiction. I don't care how bad I am Jonesing. I won't drink turd coffee.
Makes you wonder what the first person to try it was thinking (cut to the jungles of southeast Asia)
A thirsty explorer spies a Palm Civet taking a dump. He thinks to himself “self lets see what is in that poo. We might be able to make a delightful beverage from the remnants. I bet it will have a caramel after taste”
I say it was a man because I know women have way to much good sense than to make coffee from shit
Until Next Time
I am as always wonder if there is a market for CatBox Cookies to go with the Poo Brew
XX and ^5
MJ
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To link to this blog (piercednshavedmn) use [blog piercednshavedmn] in your messages.
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