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| WORSHIP my MIND and
treat MY BODY like it's an amusement park!
Bizarre ramblings from the mundane to the erotic--mainly concocted just to amuse myself, but I do enjoy your comments... So, why don't you get your hand out of your pants--or hell, just type with the one hand that's not busy, and say something...
BEWARE: IF YOU ARE: RUDE, NARROW MINDED, OBNOXIOUS, LEAVE COMMENTS RIDDLED WITH EXCESSIVE TYPOGRAPHICAL AND/OR GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, OR INSIST ON MAKING ME NAUSEOUS WITH EXCESSIVE CLICHES--YOU ARE FAIR GAME AND WILL BE MOCKED INCESSANTLY! (I'm just sayin...)
Come to the Dark side-We have cookies... |
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My 8th annual 29th Birthday celebration--part 1
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Posted:Jun 11, 2007 7:00 pm
Last Updated:Apr 2, 2008 9:03 am
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Okay, peeps, and you know who you are--I have already expressed my righteous indignation and outrage at my online "friends" for completely ignoring my birthday. I am talking about people that I chat with on a regular basis.
The people that commented on that sassy little pseudo rant? Folks I never speak to on IM and may have never commented on my blog before. As far as I am concerned--that is lame, lame lame! and you guys SUCK, SUCK, SUCK!!
Are not some of you not trying to sweep me off my feet? Are some of you not hoping to get into my pants? A girl only turns 29 eight or nine times in a lifetime--it is not an occassion that should be ignored!
<--------Here is a picture of me having fun on part 1 of my 8th annual 29th Birthday celebration. Note that I am surrounded by those that worship me. Ok well, you can't see them, because I chose an anonymous picture so as not to broadcast my friends pics all over an adult website. You'll have to take my word for it.
Further evidence of the big fun had by all:
- In this picture I am having so much fun that I am dancing by myself--(trust me, big fun).
- I also, have numerous pictures of me licking my best friend's face--(which is a clear indication that I had in fact imbibed one too many a pomegranate martinis)
- I was trolled around the bar by my lesbian friend, (which is always a good time)
- I danced briefly on a speaker box--(the booty has a mind of it's own...)
- I ogled and was ogled by-one of my favorite mocha-skinned gentleman- Jason Taylor of the Miami Dolphins. rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
- I came home without any panties on. Okay, in fairness I left the house without them, but had I mysteriously come home with panties that would have been a bad thing... Besides, when I go out in public in a skirt "commando" like that it always adds an air of mischief to the evening...
Since I am a girl of varied interests, Part deux of my 8th annual 29th birthday celebration consisted of a completely opposite activity to getting dressed up and going out dancing--we went out on the boat and went fishing. Ahhh, to be salty skinned and wet! And yes, we caught a bunch of mahi, (Yummmmm) and hooked one sailfish. (whee!)
So that is part of what I did while in Florida for 2 weeks, although those of you on my shit list now hardly deserve to know about my activities.
In the immortal words of Eric Cartman "Screw you guys, I'm going home."
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Kiss my ASS!!
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Posted:Jun 9, 2007 6:04 pm
Last Updated:Jun 19, 2007 12:29 pm
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I just want to tell you all--to kiss the fattest part of my ASS! Jeez! A girl goes away for a little bit, and EVERYONE forgets her birthday!?!?!?!
I do not expect devotion, but would a "Happy 29th  Birthday" kill you?
If I were not so annoyed--I'd be half tempted to take a rubber-tassled whip to your sorry asses... but then, you'd probably like that now, wouldn't you?
Fuckers...
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Kiss my ASS!!
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Posted:Jun 9, 2007 6:02 pm
Last Updated:Jun 11, 2007 4:37 pm
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I just want to tell you all--to kiss the fattest part of my ASS! Jeez! A girl goes away for a little bit, and EVERYONE forgets her birthday!?!?!?!
I do not expect devotion, but would a "Happy 29th Birthday" kill you?
Fuckers...
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Ahhhh home...
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Posted:Jun 1, 2007 12:29 pm
Last Updated:Jun 12, 2007 8:09 am
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I am in South Florida visiting friends and family, and doing my new business (sex toy parties), so I have been too busy to write. But I just thought I'd write a quick post since I am FINALLY up into double digits with blog subscribers--I'd hate for you guys to get bored!
Is it just me or does everyone get that "ahhhh" feeling when they get back to their hometown??? Or are you mostly relieved to have left those uncultured oafs (or those that knew you in your awkward phase) behind and start over somewhere else? (I was driving over the Skyway bridge near St. Petersburg (not my hometown), but just seeing the blue-green water, and folks boating, water-skiing and fishing just seems to make me feel whole again. I guess I miss "home" and those salty, half naked, sunbaked-skin days more than I realized.
Miss me while I'm gone, and I am CERTAIN that I will be able to scare up something blog worthy this weekend, since we are going out to celebrate my birthday.
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Deep Thoughts...
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Posted:May 22, 2007 12:51 pm
Last Updated:Apr 2, 2008 9:03 am
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I don't have much to talk about lately--been pretty busy with preparations for an impending business/pleasure trip to my hometown, so I thought I would humor you with some of my favorite words of wisdom from Jack Handey...
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
A man doesn't automatically get my respect--he has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
I think someone should have the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out, with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is NOT what I call hospitality.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off to go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening, when he came back with some he picked up in town.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown that makes people happy, but on the inside he's really sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat)?
When I saw the old bum pushing his grocery cart down the street, at first I felt sorry for him. But then I saw what was in the cart, and I thought "well, no wonder you're a bum, look at the dumb things you bought".
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, becuase I bet that's what really throws most people into a panic.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
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Chuck Norris installment #1
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Posted:May 16, 2007 7:21 am
Last Updated:Jun 9, 2007 9:00 am
4823 Views
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Okay this is just some shit that we find amusing---stay tuned.
Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a ... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
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OOOOH My Naughty parts are TINGLING!!!
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Posted:May 15, 2007 9:07 am
Last Updated:Nov 16, 2007 5:11 pm
5219 Views
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Is it just me, or does anyone else have their naughty parts hard wired to seemingly Innocent parts of their body? I am not talking about someone licking your stomach, or the inside of your thighs, that's a no brain er--if they are that close--you KNOW you are probably getting some...
For me, it appears to be an odd triad: back of my neck/spine/hoo-haw (yes I am referring to female genitalia here--pussy seems a bit vulgar) configuration, which means that a strategically placed nibble in a specific part of the back of my neck causes my spine to tingle, my back to arch, and my clit to swell. I am addicted to the spine tingling sensation--that is the best of all! Once you have activated the spot, you don't even have to touch it--the spot is THAT powerful! You could breathe on it, or, if I think you are even LOOKING at "my spot" I am virtually powerless to stop my back from arching, and the rest that follows. My husband can tell you all about the hours of fun he used to spend torturing me and my spot...
Last night I was IM with this man, that I have blogged about before--you know-"guy who won't do me"--or doesn't exist or whatever?? SIGH -- I am sucked into the vortex again...
I will probably never meet this man, but dammit, I sure as hell WANT HIM! My husband is very aware of this, (even though husband is convinced that guy does not exist as I know him) and has become extremely interested in seeing me fuck this man (probably due to guy's alleged MONSTER COCK). Anyway, smart hubby has employed this deadly combination of talking dirty to me about this guy while fucking me himself leading to my eventual multiple orgasms. Still, I want more. I am not used to not getting what I want from a sexual conquest standpoint. Is this why he drives me so crazy?
It's not even the things he says, I mean it's nothing that outrageous, but somehow I find it so erotic, it usually makes me shiver a little, and immediately makes my nipples hard. Our conversations start off innocently enough, and then he gets in a MOOD--and says something that immediately sends an ELECTRICAL CURRENT DOWN MY SPINE as if he just licked my "back of the neck spot". I find it difficult to keep my hands on the keyboard, and usually have to put my hair up off the back of my neck, which makes me feel a little vulnerable, but damn if I can stand my hair brushing the back of my own neck at that point...
The guy knows about the spot-- I only hope it intrigues him enough to investigate in person...
Okay, now that I've given away my secret spot--anybody else got one??
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Q: How many MEN does it take to change a lightbulb?
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Posted:May 10, 2007 6:33 pm
Last Updated:Jun 9, 2007 9:00 am
5323 Views
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A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !! . . .
I'm sorry. What was the question?
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Politically Correct terms for Woman and Men
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Posted:May 6, 2007 8:24 am
Last Updated:May 11, 2007 9:22 am
5138 Views
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HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
5 . She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT " - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"
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Solar Powered Pussy
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Posted:May 3, 2007 4:26 pm
Last Updated:May 8, 2007 12:18 pm
5431 Views
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SIGH--what is it about summer that makes folks so horny? I grew up in South Florida where it's pretty much beach weather all year long. Could it be the lack of layers of poufy clothing--with more skin exposed to ogle? Tan legs and tummys, freckled shoulders and a hint of sweaty cleavage?
Could be just good old pheromones kickin things up a little notch--you ladies ever notice guys following you around like dogs in heat, with a slightly dopey smile on their mesmerized faces sorta dry humping the air behind you when you think you are at your sticky, sweaty, grossest? It's not really their fault-- it's simple body chemistry wafting your sex scent out there for all to sniff -- men just recieve that signal as "UG, me smell pussy, me waaaant..." (grunt, sniff, sniff, grunt, hump, hump grunt)
Laying out in the sun makes me absolutely consumed by thoughts of sex. Hand me a cocktail--and I'll be dripping in no time-and I ain't talkin' bout sweatin'! Any sex--sweaty oiled up out in the sun on a boat or a beach-YUMMMMMM. Or showering off our slightly surnburned and salty skin then tracing eachother's tan lines with our tongues and climbing in between nice cool sheets to take a naked nap and more...
And OOOOH skinnydipping!!!
I don't know quite what it is -- but me likey...
YAAY Summer!
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A Tale told by an IDIOT full of Sound and Fury--signifying NOTHING...
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Posted:Apr 29, 2007 4:59 pm
Last Updated:Dec 20, 2012 2:14 pm
5119 Views
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Okay, loyal readers (all 7 of you--the rest are merely browsing), I know, I know, last week I promised an interesting blog--flavored with drug induced ramblings--and I failed to deliver. But, I have a good reason:
Last week I made a grievous error in judgment--I allowed a plastic surgeon to perform surgery on me while I was awake! Now, those of you who would argue that cosmetic surgery is really just playing to one's own vanity, and therefore self induced pain should garner no sympathy--well fine- so be it.
Yes, I got my boobs cosmetically altered 6 months ago. They were by all accounts spectacular (and legions have seen them--keep in mind that I was a stripper for almost 4 years) prior to having 2 , and according to all of the surgeons I consulted, still pretty damn nice titties, but I felt they were lacking, and having breastfed both my for almost a year each, I felt it was time to give a little something back to "the girls", but I digress...
Anyhoo, on Wednesday morning I went in for my "revision"--just a minor movement of the pocket behind the muscle where the implant resides on my left side--and a scar revision on the right side under my arm. Here is where things went horribly awry...
I shall spare you, my adoring readers the grisly details--(no, screw it, read it if you dare--) but suffice it to say that if anyone offers strap you down, then inject you in a sensitive area 9-12 times with a needle in an attempt to numb the area that they are about to cut open--with what I can only assume to be a cauterizing scalpel (since it felt like a series of small electric shocks) and then---yank open the hole they have cut in you--and proceed to pry with various devices and hands the muscles which peskily hold steadfastly to your ribcage---DECLINE politely! Or, at the very least, insist not on driving yourself--to this fun filled event, but let someone drive you so that when you begin to have the inevitable panic attack, begin whimpering, moaning and inevitably convulsing, losing consciousness and vomiting while racked with pain, the kindly medical staff could take pity on you, and medicate you in such a way as to calm your frazzled nerves, or at least stop the screaming-- (they don't like the screaming--it apparently frightens the other morons-er, patients).
ANYWAY, the point of all this is or was I did not blog for the last few days because:
• I was too busy either writhing around on the bed and moaning (NOT in a GOOD WAY)
• or laying on the floor (painkillers make me dizzy and nauseous).
When my time was not occupied by those fun activities--I was:
• busy itching myself from head to toe, not related to...
• hallucinating of bugs crawling on me (those I just slapped off of myself)
• or shooing away bugs on my pillows or laptop.
• Or hearing things, (auditory hallucinations?--might not be the right term since I think hallucinations really apply to vision--but fek it--I'm not looking it up--you know what I mean!)
• and having conversations about things that were not actually happening. With people that were not actually there. Ask my poor husband. My doped up ass talked to him ALL NIGHT LONG!
In my defense--Some of my inane ramblings were pertinent--for example--a few times I said to my husband "Nice big cock" in my sleep--or "Did you see the nice big cock?" which was in fact relevant, since I had been watching the movie Fight Club--so that makes sense--(for those of you that have not seen that movie-- you should watch it--I actually assigned that as homework to a chat friend one night last week while I was quite high, itchy, hallucinating bugs, and watching--or trying to watch Fight Club--it is a fabulous movie--dark, twisty, slightly morbid, funny, smart as hell, and entertaining--besides you have fanfuckingtastic performances by both Edward Norton who can be one creepy motherfucker--and Brad Pitt- who besides being one luscious piece of ass--is a damn fine thespian himself. But anyway-- my point is--if you don't get that movie- you and I will likely not get along--I actually used that as an excuse to myself in part for breaking things off with a guy that I was dating--nice guy--didn't "get" the movie. Heyyyyyyy, I just had an epiphany-------my description of the movie---hmmm- a little like me-sans the huge knockers and some other lighter funnier things....
Don't complain to me about this blog, if you read past the title, you either like Shakespeare entirely too much, or are just too damn dumb to know what I mean when I say the things I say. Keep up damn it--I get tired of explaining myself. Plus, I am probably still a little residual high from all the painkillers last week...
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So much to tell...
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Posted:Apr 24, 2007 9:00 am
Last Updated:Oct 18, 2007 2:40 pm
4520 Views
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Okay, okay, I have been hiding behind silly joke posts, and probably should spend a little time catching you up...
Last week was filled with some fun, some drama, lousy customer service, some might say too much alcohol, and a lot of sex. 
• Met a new friend for sushi, chocolate and sex--some of my favorite things (pretty much just missing shoe shopping & martinis in that equation).
• Had a successful start to my new business (no surprise there-what lady doesn't love shopping for lube and sex toys in the privacy of her own home surrounded by crudites and a dozen of her friends)...
• Having some MUCH NEEDED champagne and adult fun time with the hubby--boating and jet-skiing, offended a grown woman with my exposed breasts while sunbathing (shock, dismay) but, I offer, in my defense:
one bottle of champagne + one wee little woman + boat + lake + sun = boobs out --isn't that just basic math?!?!
I find myself a bit pressed for time, and can't elaborate right now, but here are the topics--we shall discuss later:
• Basic math (see above reference to champagne)
• What is a smooth way to transition from hanging out and friendly chit-chat--to "Hey let's get naked?" Is streaking through the living room wearing one's pants on their head, flapping one's arms and shouting "CA-CAW!" too subtle? A friend of mine mentioned an ice-breaker game such as "truth or dare Jenga"... 'round these parts we prefer a rousing game of guitar hero... Yes, we know--dorky!!! but we do like that game.
• Female Ejaculation or "squirting" as it is so romantically referred to here on 04j.com and on most non-medical websites.
• Oral sex and watercraft--can you mix the two safely? Husband says enthusicastically "mpfh"! (woops sorry I was sitting on his face)--he says "Yes"
• Why drunk people should not try to screw on a pinecone-ridden (OUCH!) rather steep hillside near a lake wearing only their flotation devices and sunglasses... (Another topic for my husband to pay close attention to.)
FAIR WARNING---I am having surgery tomorrow morning (finally having that pesky, superfluous penis of mine removed) and plan on being well doped up for the rest of the evening. IF I am conscious I may try to blog--should be interesting and perhaps entertaining---let's count the typos whilst I entertain you with my sprakling wit--(that one doesn't count--it was intentional).
BLAH BLAH BLAH, WOOF WOOF
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NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN
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Posted:Apr 21, 2007 8:02 am
Last Updated:Jul 27, 2007 8:58 am
5394 Views
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As some of you know---One of the many things that I do for a living, is that I am an educator. Now, don't panic and pull your impressionable young out of school--a noble profession, but not my bag baby.... I do parties for women teaching them about romantic enhancements and sexual aids. (this reads woohooo lubes and vibrating toys!!!) Anyway, to be fair, I will also be starting
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN
ALL ARE WELCOME
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while shouting "It's not there!”, You’ve moved it!” or “We’ve run out!” ‒ Open forum
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE TRASH?
Group discussion and role-play
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available
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To link to this blog (wanttowatchher5) use [blog wanttowatchher5] in your messages.
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