What color is that bush?...do cuffs and collar match?
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Posted:May 26, 2006 6:03 pm
Last Updated:May 27, 2006 10:42 am
6401 Views
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After watching Penelope Cruz brag about how good some homehair dye product is I had to ask myself.."Dark...wtf ...do we actually believe that Miss Cruz dyes her precious locks at home?"...good question. Well Miss Cruz the ruse has been exposed. Do you mean to tell us that between business obligations (i.e. fucking a homosexual uberstar to get a part in his new blockbuster flop in trade for making him look not-so-gay)..or your social calender of sleeping til 2pm, then a frappachino with my hot friend (needed for the occasional tongue kiss in public to look hip) all before settling down for your afternoon nap (fucking Caesar the poolboi) so you will be well rested for your coke and special-K laced dance-party evening at the latest hotspot...you actually have time to dye your hair?...and are we supposed to believe that YOU will actually do it and not pay some "colorist(fancy word for hair stainer)"..............Please..
..........so Penelope don't try to toss shit st us thru the tv anymore and stick to what makes you famous....show us your tits!...thanks sweetie
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Now I'm gonna throw up..........
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Posted:May 26, 2006 5:49 pm
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 10:7 am
6404 Views
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I just watched this TV commercial for pepto-bismol and after downing a few shots of the product to quell the nausea, i was prompted to write them...........
Dear Mr/Mrs. Bismol
I just viewed your new commercial featuring a multi-ethnic collaberation of characters rapping the symptoms your fine productis designed to remedy. Needless to say after watching the commercial I suffered from an upset stomach.
Keeping that in mind,I'd like to offer a few marketing tips to the crack staff you have.
1)If your going add an ethnic or cultural flair to your ad try to at least be up to date. Nothing appears worse than portraying a group or culture in a camp and almost stereo-typical manner resulting in quite the insult to said culture/group.
2)The concept of advertising a wonderful and effective product in a way in which is almost downright clueless seems ridiculous to me. Since the product deals with some relatively embarrasing gastrointestinal symptoms, I see were humor would be a usefull tool to lessen the awkwardness of the subject and educate the potential customer about the products amazing capabilities. In your new commercial the only education about Pepto-Bismol I received was that they need to smack a few marketing people in the head and save a few dollars by using a simple commercial featuring someone not dancing and acting as if their recent bout of diarrhea was as fun as an improptu streetjam, but rather candidly addressing these syptoms and advising the viewer about your products usage.
I hope this letter actually gets to the very same conference room of overpaid marketing professionals(high paid bullshitters)that as a group watched this promotional campaign and said "Yeah!...that's fantastic...run with it!" so that they can all take another look at their work and maybe give it a tweaking....or be collectively fired for wasting company advertising funds on a commercial designed to entertain 1987 12-18 yr old urban males not educate the public about Pepto-Bismol, a truely amazing product that has provided me relief from uncomfortable stomach issues many times. Of course I'm not dancing around rapping "DI-ARRHEEEEEAAAAAA!"
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Give'em back their balls
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Posted:Oct 23, 2005 6:42 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
6447 Views
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How would it feel if everytime you went to work you spent your day listening to people lying to you all day? How would it feel to be placed in hazards way in order to protect people who put you there? How would it feel to endure stress beyond comprehension, one that does not end when the clock is punched? How would it feel to have this miserable job on your mind 24/7? Sounds shitty huh? Welcome to the wonderful world of police work.
Let me preface this with I am not a cop nor would I ever wish to be nowadays. The modern day police institution is too conservative in spirit and ironically handcuffed to the constitution. Yet, every minute of every day someone needs the police. They have to endure the abuse and alienation with a smile as they watch the people they are forced to serve rub shit in their faces.
I feel for them. The police are not my likely weekend companions and I certainly would not be on their Christmas list. Then again you also won't find me on any of their lists. After realizing that being a complete retard could be costly, you begin to appreciate the boys in blue a little. I'm kinda glad that the militant robots on the baseball team now patrol my township. I can sleep safely knowing that their SSish zeal and strict adherence enforcement may be preventing the local gang of the day from littering high velocity metal about my neighborhood, or removing parts of my neighborhood via clandestine acquisition excursions. This outweighs the fact that I too may be under said scrutiny for any minor illegal violations.
When I was a retarded 20 something that smoked pot all the time and wanted nothing more than less police, I was not seeing the whole picture. Then again, I could've been seeing 3 pictures and a few polka dotted emu with pink berets, but that was the drugs talking. The fact is we take the police for granted and turn them into the bad guys. The end result is they receive no respect as an authority figure and are in some ways turned into enemies and targets. Fucking sad considering they are the first ones we call when in need and the first ones to blame when something goes wrong. Well that has to change.
Let's start with re-installing the balls on the dog. Maybe we have been to harsh on the police since Rodney. Yes... I know NYPD hasn't helped the situation but we can't look into the past. I don't condone police brutality, but maybe our definition should be a little looser than it is. Sixty years ago if the cops had to chase you down the street 4 blocks because you stole a pack of cigarettes, you would've limped away with cuts and bruises and a misdemeanor charge. Today you would've had 20 officers risking the safety of the public and themselves to ensure your capture was within the blanket of the constitution. They humanely process you though the system and coddle your personal rights (as if a felon has rights!)and send you to a costly concrete condo with a giftbasket filled with ripe felonies.
My point you ask?...well if the police were allowed to do a little personal ass kicking to those whom continually become deficient in that category, they would slowly earn the aura of respect. Not like "props" but a genuine acknowledgement of their importance and function in society. Don't bitch because the drug dealers are turning your local park into into Grand Theft Auto Crazyfuck USA, all while videotaping the police smashing in the skull of an innocent drive-by triple murderer and selling it to CNN. If your not a cop you don't know how they feel or should act when apprehending the social maggots. You don't complain how the garbage man takes the trash out, why on earth would we be concerned
with the care taken in removing the living refuse we complain stinks up our block. Does it really matter if we gently place the shit in the bucket, or toss it from halfway across the street and lit on fire. All it has to do is make it INTO the bucket.
I know, how could I be so Hitleresque in thinking we should give the police carte blanche? If we allow the police to take back control from the criminals, they will be able to provide us with the protection needed to safely live our lives without the fear of the criminals fighting back. We don't seem to have a problem with our military reducing terrorists to smoldering piles of plasma-pesto, so why should the local Tech-9 SprayTeam be treated nicely. We as citizens should provide our police with every resource available to do their jobs and then some. We do want to win don't we? If the criminals have semi-auto's why shouldn't the cops have BAR's and LAWZ rockets? Once the criminals realize they have no chance at living maybe they will behave. Imagine if the next scumbag leading a dozen cops on a high speed chase was aware the police were authorized to use a Apache helicopter to just blow them up mid Rt295 with no fear of negative public opinion he may just pull over and let his head be shoved up his ass. Think about it.
That's enough for now. One day I hope to see the police get their balls back and the people of this country can live with the image of a baton being shoved up the ass of some shitsmear in the BVD's of civilization.
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Moronification
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Posted:Oct 17, 2005 5:59 am
Last Updated:May 26, 2006 7:30 pm
6503 Views
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Ok,I refrained from hurling long enough. I must address the government issue. Not that it will do any good but here goes.
After several months of obscene gas prices and natural disasters, I wonder why we are so shocked and enraged. If we invaded and took over a major oil supply country fro no reason then why is gas so expensive? Maybe the "W"'s figured since the defense contracts only made them a bagillion dollars they will need to squeeze the publics teats dry by keeping fuel costs so high. I mean hey Iraq has gone so well, why don't we now blame the weather for high gas prices. I still find it interesting that the "W"'s have huge interests in defense contracts and oil companies. Coincidental? maybe.... but I doubt it. I also doubt the Chief has the brains or forethought to orchestrate such a transparent plan. Maybe way back in 2000 the plans for this were already in motion. Someone said "lets convince the intellectually void religious freaks to vote for us". Then we can install an automaton as our leader so the public can have someone to whine at. No one could actually say Cheney isn't a genius. He made sure all his buddies got there Governmental contracts. His former/current employer has carte blanche when it comes to spending American tax dollars. And to top it off he has hidden his reign behind the almost comical term of his favorite hand puppet. Seriously, would any of the other republicans willingly be a public spokesperson for someone who is ripping them off? "W" must be so stupid he doesn't realize his own integrity is being shit on because he was the least qualified to the job, but most qualified to not care what the people think. it continues to amaze me how many smart rational people don't see the puppet show here. It's sad that the deciding factor voters in this country were so taken advantage of with promises of "moral values" and a new direction. They forgot to tell them to bend over so they could be fucked up the ass metaphorically. I mean if they were told they were literally gonna be and kicked out the door like a at convention time maybe the votes would have went the other way. Mind you the other way is no better either.
Why is it the American people cannot be properly represented by a political party? The republican voters are annually coaxed like a donkey with a carrot to vote for the GOP. This carrot seems like it's a huge deal but when it comes right down to it the only significant tax relief out there is for the people who make $1M and hour, not a year.
So in order to keep as much of there hard earned money as they can they are funneled into voting for the GOP. Not because they believe in morals or any religious reasons, because they will save money at the expense of those who can't afford to save money. Pretty Jesus like huh?. The demo's on the other hand stand around and preach about the injustices in this country and how we all need to help out our fellow Americans and pay for this or that. Sadly there followers don't have the money to pay for their own education or healthcare but are more than willing to pay for someone less advantaged. My heart goes out to all the Demo's out there because the "kinder gentler" party just fucks them over with a nice friendly smile while rolling in the communal pigsty that is politics.
Solution? I highly doubt there is one unless a third party is created. One that understands the importance of morality without hypocrisy, as well as giving a helping hand without being taken advantage of. If the country were run like a "real " business we would have accountability. Bad decisions such as hiring your frat buddies to run vital governmental agencies would be rectified by FIRING them both. We are so quick to pass judgment on the scumbags that fuck us in the business world i.e Enron,Tyco and such yet we allow our own government to do so. Nothing makes me laugh louder than someone bitching about about companies committing fraud and losing them money all while filling there gas tank to the tune of $80 with a smile.
Well every 4 years we play the game. Both league leaders joust cocks on TV and print and tell us if they don't win your gonna be sorry. Who the fuck are they kidding? We are never gonna win. Politics is a business. Both teams play for the same league. It doesn't really matter who wins in the polls, only that the polls are shoved so far up America's ass that it cuts off oxygen to the brain. Otherwise we would just say fuck the season tickets I'm gonna go watch my little league game instead. Huh makes you think. Maybe the government needs a lockout like hockey to "retire" all the older money grubbing players in favor of some new and invigorating youth. Youth that may understand what happens when people get sick and tired of paying and paying when they can get what they need for free.
Moronification has become as wide spread as Paris Hiltons crotchless panties. We don't care about anything but ourselves and quick gratification. "let someone else work" has become our motto. False idols are voted on daily as if it mattered which washed up celebrity can dance better. And all at the expense of our intelligence and willingness to help our fellow man. No wonder these eastern cultures hate us so much. Our leaders the world as we all smile and wish Demi and Ashton good luck on there nuptials. It makes us look like....well MORONS
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Burn Hollywood Burn
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Posted:Oct 3, 2005 4:55 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
6428 Views
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I'm sick of the evening news being filled with endless dribble ejaculating out of Hollywood and into my home. I don't care about your home just mine. I'm tired of the deluge of nonsense being made to be so important. I don't care who Ben fucks now. Nor do I care what designer drug Lindsey Lohan will be doing next week. I'm not concerned with paparrazzi chasing these morons around town. I don't wanna hear one more fucking word about Hollywood. Why? Lemme tell ya.
For starters, the very fact that the percentage of movies worth seen is so small it makes the intrest rate look gigantic. How is it that a movie with a big name star and gillions of dollars and special effects lasts one weekend in the theatre. Does this indicate that the studio's are making hand over fist duckets so they don't care about quality? Or does it indicate we don't care about quality? Since our consumer market is driven by preteens, is that a hint that our future generations are dumber than rocks or just willing to spend money where ever "Hollywood" tells them to. It worries me that our economy is basing future products and services on the wants and needs of an 11 yr old. So next time the blockbuster of the hour comes out, we can all just assume it's gonna suck-unless your a vapid mindless easily entertained 11 yr old.
Since we established movies and tv suck anymore,why do we hold these golden cows up so high. Do they warrant it? Why do adults care about these wierd folks and whom they may be swapping fluids with? Is it because they have been programmed to thrive on mindless trivial things such as "why did Oprah wear that blue scarf" or "whether or not it's good for Tom Cruise career to jump up and down on the couch of a talk show professing his love for someone". Shouldn't we be concerned with the "morons" that our running the country not our tv. Maybe thats just me, but I feel my concern would serve me better thinking about the real issues such as the healthcare situation or our leaders blowing up other countries so Daddy's oil company rolls in dough at our expense. Think about that next time you load your "want" mongers up in the UberSUV (that just cost $85 to fill) to drop them off at the $50 must see event of the hour.
Let's review. Hollywood produces the most costly garbage that we are more than willing to go broke for. We seem to be mesmerized by this garbage so much we need to bathe in it daily. This garbage and it's residual smell seem to occupy our lives as if it were a large pile of smelly garbage. Why? Because they say so. They tell you in the paper. They tell you on the tv. They print it everywhere. It's so overwhelming that now Britney Spears is "so last decade" even though 5 years ago if she had flashed her tits and told us to vote for Carrothead for President we would have a different leader today. We also would be better off. Ironic in so may ways-LOL. So why is it we care or listen?
My point is SOMEONE is sitting somewhere in a conference room making $125k is making a suggestion like " let's market the next 12 yr old girl like a stripper and sell her to our elementary school whom in return will nag endlessly for their parents to buy anything and everything with (insert fad star's name here)on it. We can then provide endless media coverage ,no matter how mundane, to make sure our new star milks the parents dry enough to not notice that CNN has become "E"NN. Even a will eat dirt if it's Pavlov'ed into him. How can we as a country stand idley by while some metrosexual genderless individual tells us the importance of wearing the right jeans. If this was 1955 "it" would be hog-tied and asswhooped until "it" understands that they are just jeans. Wake up America! We need to care about real issues not reality shows. If we allow our information supply to provide us with just sugar and no fiber we will soon go into diabetic shock and hallucinate Arnold Schwartzenegger would make a good Governor.
I don't even care if this makes sense or even comes to a good point. Just wake the hell up people.
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Katrinamania
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Posted:Sep 19, 2005 12:20 pm
Last Updated:Feb 1, 2007 10:41 am
6521 Views
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Allow me to preface this rant first by stating I feel genuine sorrow for those effected by this disaster. My thoughts and prayers go out to those who've lost their loved ones and possessions. My only regret is that our collective concern over the tragedy doesn't begin to assuage the grief or help explain how things can go so wrong so fast.
What is Katrinamania? ..you ask? I'm not really sure. Is it the media blitz forcing mouthfuls of despair down our throats? Is it the celebrity "Care of the week to reestablish my career" rescue squads with camera's to capture "the moment"? Is it the governments Spicoliesque tardiness? Who knows or really cares at this point. I'm sick of the coverage, the phony trendy armbands, and the exploitation of the disaster that is "Katrina" None of those can erase the fact that this could all have been avoided had we properly took action in the days leading up to landfall.
Let us dissect this from a Monday morning quarterback perspective. We/They/Whomever knew 3 years ago a major storm could cause serious catastrophe to the New Orleans area so much as to predict exactly what occurred. We/They/Whomever were informed ad nauseam via the news and weather networks about the impending hurricane at least 36 hours before. We/They/Whomever have elected a government that should be prepared and ready to react when unfortunate incidents arise. Then why did this turn into such a mess?
I'll start with the flooding and foreknowledge that the New Orleans area was a virtual fish in a barrel for any sharpshooting weather anomalies. Obviously the administration fumbled the ball deep in their own territory on that play and it cost dearly, but we can't assess blame completely with them. The people of New Orleans certainly read theses reports and the dangers they were in if such a storm was to arrive. Why didn't they raise the funds needed for the infrastructure changes or even further lobby the government for these changes more aggressively. If 100,000's of people flock to Bourbon Street every year to see co-ed nipples flailing about like Mickey Mouse ears at Disneyland, I'm pretty sure a few extra wet-T-shirt pageants and tequila shooter competitions could've supplemented the fiscal needs of such a large scale infrastructure change. Why didn't the resorts and local merchants start fund raising or yes even raising the sales tax a little in these tourist area's to generate the capital. San Francisco raised their local tax 1% for 2 years(I think) and used the funding to revamp their public transportation to a state of the art system that everyone benefited from. The city embraced the proposal and the hike because they recognized the need. End result was the lowering of the tax and a new "theme park" style subway system right out of a Jetsons cartoon. Had New Orleans addressed the issue properly and encouraged it's residents to participate, they would've had a 3 year head start on Katrina and possibly beat her to the punch by being prepared.
Since we can't expect our leaders to have a pro-active approach with that much forethought, we hope they could at least react to the hourly "Moe style" slap across the face from the weather news correspondents. We know for a fact the residents ignored it or were ignorant of the situation. Nevertheless an all out military style evacuation should've at least been considered when the news of impending wraith was reported. It's difficult to accept the fact that you have to grab what you can carry and abandon your life as you know it for a miserable detention camp existence somewhere, but it's much better than being camped out on your roof for a week surrounded by a tepid malaria bisque with no assistance available. I'd rather be cooped up like "Woodstock2" showgoers than be left to watch my neighbors float by as I try to extract any liquid from my own piss a while sitting uncomfortable atop a chimney. Tragedies happen all the time. The only tragedy here is the fact that A)so little was done before hand when it could've done some good, and  the incredible outpouring of generosity from the people of this great world is nothing compared to what is needed. When I mentally juxtapose the response, I can't help but think that the help provided by the government and the selfless giving of people could've changed this outcome from weeks of dismal new reports to a large scale collective good old fashioned "Help Thy Fellow American" pat on the back for all the world to see. Instead we look like a third world nation scrambling for assistance. That kinda makes me sick considering how we are the "greatest" nation on the planet.
People as a group are dumb as rocks. Funny considering we are the most advance species on the planet and even the roaches had enough sense to get out of Dodge(in this case New Orleans). My big gripe with the government is not that they didn't provide any help or warning because they did what they could with the resources set into place. If people ignore the "LEAVE NOW" warning then well hey..they did their part. The problem I have is that the system in place for this occurrence FEMA was so unprepared they looked like tourists on the beach adding suntan lotion as the Tsunami hit Sri Lanka casually joking about the good waves for bodysurfing. How can we as a nation allow people with absolutely NO APPLICABLE EXPERIENCE run such an important and vital governmental machine as Disaster Management. If we insist on continuing the trend of nepotism in politics why not put the "gift job" employees in charge of something like Olympic Committee. This way the worse thing that can happen is our bobsled team shows up late without their sled. Instead we stick with the current system that allows a town to be decimated and we can't even find our "bobsled" to go help. I hope we learn our lessons here today about the proper operation of crucial machines such as FEMA . If our country actively embraced the important things in life we would approach "Disaster Management" with as much zeal and enthusiasm as we do making sure we vote in tonite's "Survivor Finale". Wake up people and prioritize!
After Katrina we should all sit back and take a good look at our state of affairs and assess where we stand. We need to address the issues that could've turned this debacle into an unfortunate occurrence with minimal damage and grief. The government needs to be actively prepared instead of reactively responding. The so-called celebrity do-gooders should stay home and think about what they could do now to prepare the nation for the next disaster instead of racing to exploit the current crisis for their own self-worth. As far as we the American people..well not much to say really..again we collectively emptied our pantries of glazed beets and creamed corn, assessed what articles of last years Prada line would look good on a refugee, and genuinely shook our change purses into every QuickyMart glass jar labeled "Katrina" to help. Kudos' to the general population on their efforts to help the folks down there and I hope we can continue this thought process into next election time, not to spite our current administration or government but to show them that we care about these issues instead of whose nipple was exposed on national TV( not to go on a side rant but if we paid as much attention to vital governmental function as we do to whether or not Howard Stern said "balloonknot" in a non sexual manner, this rant would be non-existent).
Again let me state my sincere feelings to the colorful, fun, energetic, pridefilled, culturally rich people of N'Awlins and I hope to someday visit and have that cup of Crawfish Chowder in one of the many fine local family bistro's I've been dreaming about. I gave to the Red Cross what I could to assist and feel that further assistance can be given via this tirade. If I can make one person, no matter how smart or dumb,rich or poor, to say "hey wait a minute...we should fix this" then I would've helped in ways exponentially greater than wearing the plastic armband of the week and pretend everything is ok. Good Luck New Orleans!!!! And the rest of us WAKE UP! We almost lost "hedonists paradise", the Saints(even though they always suck) and Tabasco(selfish to think that way when people lost their lives and loved ones, but that is all that seems to jar us into cognizance and that's truly sad).
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Morning Ritual
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Posted:Aug 29, 2005 5:28 pm
Last Updated:May 27, 2006 3:25 am
6820 Views
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The alarm is normally never needed since my body clock seems to know exactly when I could have 10 more minutes to sleep and wakes me up early. Kind of a mixed blessing of sorts. Soon after my eyes focus and the urge to scratch my balls subsides, I will head to the bathroom for the shower.
Feeling refreshed I will then proceed to dress and get down to check my mail before leaving. The obligatory stop in the chat room and responses to my mail are promptly attended to. Grab my keys and go
Where am I going? Good question. To get coffee. Yes I know. I can avoid the 15 minute ride into town, or the possible bad parking in town, or all the other people on the road if I would just brew the coffee in one of my many coffee makers. Why do I do it?? Ritual. I have them. You have them.
We all have them.
Upon arrival at my coffee place, I've already taken my $2.50 out for coffee and tip. I get into the line like the other caffeine addicted cattle. I sit and size up my wait time. It doesn't really matter because I have no place to be that early. I don't know why I'm in a rush. I just want my fuckin coffee. First in line we have the middle-aged jogging ladies. They wear designer spandex and make-up and look as if they didn't even plan on exercising. Besides when does the trainer recommend the raisin nut muffin...before or after your jog. I don't know why I hate them so but they seem to take too much time talking and preventing me from getting my fuckin coffee.
After the Ralph Lauren yoga team lycras their way through and leaves, there always has to be Mr.Doofus. He could be anyone. He could be anywhere. It never fails. If you are in line somewhere, her is there. He's unkempt looking. Most likely clothed in sweatpants ( stains included)and some sort of flipflop or no sock deal. His hair looks like the mop hanging out of the bucket behind the counter. He always smiles. Always. He has the urge to engage anyone and everyone with little comments. They may be funny. They may be stupid. They might be crude. The point is they "are".They are making him spend way too much time hitting on the obviously nauseated cashier. They expend way too much time entertaining the other people in line like myself. They may be nasally as if he needs desperately to blow his nose increasing their annoyance. They keep coming from MrDoofus. The comments are followed by little giggles and snorts as if the listeners were actually listening and not contemplating whether or not they could just smash in his face and no one would say a word in absolute approval. They are simply delaying me from getting my fucking coffee. Mr.Doofus finally struggles to obtain the proper coinage for his transaction and moves on.
Finally I'm next. The only people left in line are the tourist family. They are nice. They are polite. They are so "Norman Rockwell" they make the chocolate Oreo tart seem sour. The only problem I have is what the hell are you doing in my way at 7:00 in the fucking morning strolling around town site seeing. I know how selfish that sounds, but consider the fact I just need a cup of coffee and I have to sit and wait patiently behind Tiffany Von Flugensmithe discuss with her 4 yr old Epiphany Morgan, the delicate differences between the chai's, and watch as her husband pulls out his American Express card in front of the big "CASH ONLY" sign to pay the mind blowing $8.35 bill. By this time I'm so sick of the "Rockwell's" my eyes have rolled 6 miles down the road.
FINALLY......."Double Joe to go please!" I request with a smile. A few seconds later my coffee is in my hand. You'd think I would be happy by now. You'd think wrong.
This particular coffee shop has a self serve condiment application system. The shop keeps it up the best they can but.........
at least one of the latte-lycra-ladies has spilled coffee all over and not wiped it up. Mr. Doofus has obviously grabbed the wrong lid several times and placed them back-covered in coffee mind you-in the rack in all the wrong spots. Translation...I have to play "the shell game" with the coffee lids to get the right one. I then have to pray the "raw" sugar is in a good container. This may seem trivial but you haven't sat there for 5 minutes shaking out granule by granule 3 spoonfuls of raw sugar through a pea-sized hole all caked with melted sugar. If this is the case I must spend several minutes opening the container and pouring it out and then reinstalling the screw top all caked with semi-moist sticky sugar residue. Not fun.
Once the lid is installed, I'm out the door like yesterday. I bump into Mr.Doofus while trying to squeeze by the Polo Pilate's ladies making plans for tea. I rush past the Flugensmithes and hop back into my car. Howard's voice calms me as I take my first sip. I need to drink about 1 inch before I can drive without spills. I light a cigarette and laugh at the gang on the radio all while watching Mr.Doofus cram his fat sloppy ass into a Porsche 911 with MD plates. I allow myself a smile as the DKNYsport ladies almost jog in front of the garbage truck. I finally pull away from the side of the road passing Mrs.Flugensmithe as the sounds of a pornostar screaming passionately echoes from my radio. The look on her face was priceless.
The ride out of town is filled with potholes and bad drivers. My balancing skills are finely honed to prevent any unwanted brown crotch stains from my coffee. Dodging the speed traps and uberluxury sedans driven by Grandpa Magoo I finally make it out of town and on my way.
I do this every morning. Why? I'm annoyed most of the time. The coffee rarely makes it all the way home or to work. I rack up a shit load of aggravating miles and waste gas. I begin to recognize and hate the people I see everyday. Why?
Ritual. It must be ritual. I feel incomplete without making my morning journey. Coffee doesn't taste good unless it's picked up in a snobby college town filled with the grossly privileged all there for my amusement and ridicule. As much as I hate it, I love this place and the ritual involved. We all have stupid things we do to feel ourselves. Without them we simply float without concern or passion for anything no matter how trivial it may seem.
The coffee by the way is great. Strong flavor.Not bitter. Good condiment selection. And they don't use the new measurement system that includes the liquid volume term "Verdi". Well maybe I need a nice cup of STFU now after that rant
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CSI Chronicles (customer service incidents)
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Posted:Aug 25, 2005 12:03 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
6512 Views
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As a former customer service representative for retail and service businesses I've been exposed to my share of the mundane and trivial.I will be frequently bashing providers of these services in the future I'm sure, but for now i would like to ^5 all of those who have to deal with us "the general public(idiot masses of cattle)". It's so hard everyday to apply your "Price is Right" smile and pamper the same asses you would like to kick from here to the moon, but we/they do.
As a former noodlechucker at a reknown Italian chain restaurant we affectionatly renamed "The Olive Pit", I can attest to the need for humor in an unpleasant working environment. This brings me to the point...about fucking time!
As employees we would have to oblige the corporate monster by providing free of charge a cake and choral arrangement for anyone who claimed it was their birthday. Like little happy zombies we tromp over to the table in a line clapping and delicatly bridge into a happy little number we called "the birthday song"..lemme sing
From the pasta we make, to the lasagna bake, we are here to wish a happy birthday......
We hope you will remember, the fun to last forever, we're wishing you a happy birthday....
It's like family and friends at "the Olive....well you get the picture.
Anyway one night of contagious birthday syndrome, one of my fellow "sauce and toss" team members bursts into the kitchen alley after a damn fine rendition of the birthday song and was stating how sick she was of the whole free cake thing(this means the cheap fucks don't order dessert reducing your already little tip). After a brief rally call "Crazy Christine" improvs a NEW birthday song in an impromtu perfomance to rival the Beatles on the roof of Apple records. She sang......
From the smiles we fake, to your Free fucking cake, don't you really wish it was your birthday...
We hope you can remember, your birthdays not til November, we're wishing you a happy brithday, WHAT THE FUCK??...a new song is born.
After the collective herd of tacky burgandy uniforms picked themselves off the garlic salt laced floor and put all their ribs back into place, she was rewarded with a standing ovation. The managers were in tears. Moments like these are the only things that allow us/them/we to get through another day of stupid questions,bad jokes, and dealing with Mr&Mrs.PainInTheAss and all their little shits.
So if we must perch ourselves on pedestals and belittle the very asses we are wiping, then lets remember when we ARE those ASSES to not allow these antics to bother us as well as make ourselves less of a target and more of "good customer"-LOL
Until next time....Shut the fuck up or I'll ram your breadsticks up my ass before serving them with a "Smile"
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New Venue for my mouth
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Posted:Aug 24, 2005 7:33 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
6422 Views
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Hi all readers. It seems to me the blog thing is reallt catching on with folks. Since people actually are reading them maybe I should start spouting out some of the nonsense that fills my skull. I've always found myself amused by absurdity and antagonized into letting all those who can hear know it. From this infatuation I give you the "Rhantpage".
My goal for this is to open up further communications between members to respond or retort any views presented. I promise not to be nice or cordial but instead to be obnoxious and satirical. Thru sarcasm and wit we can dice up the topic of the day with our literary ginsu's until we are left with a full course meal of menatl exercise and a nice cup of STFU for dessert.
So lets start picking on life until it cries like a f#ckin baby-LOL
MrDark
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Virtual Giggles
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Posted:Jul 25, 2005 4:11 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
6544 Views
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Hi all!!!! I'm having so much fun here. I've met so many cool virtual friends in the PTS chatroom as well as the most amazing little hippie in the world ). As a paying member I must voice my complaint in this open forum about the frequency of the "crashing chatroom" glitch. I'll give kudos to the IT folks for the thankless efforts put forth daily but I wish the site would give them the tools they need to resolve this problem. I don't know enough about servers and such to suggest any solution but C'mon Fix it Already!!!!!!
Anyhoo, I'd like to give some shouts to some friends out there for many hours of pure entertainment....
AZA,SCT,Newgirlie-keep them rolling sweethearts-it provides so much material and humor-LOL
Nietchze,Tallpa,Navy,IMmarine,Mephisto^5's all round
it's nice to read something other than wanna fuck from the (m)'s in this place...you guys are very funny
Aims,Beachgirl,Justy,Kath,Kittens.... superkisses
Legalsec,Funbunzy,Dev,Dammybaby,Yemany.... extra bonus point kisses for being so insane and so incredibly funny....not to mention tssssss hot
Danishbaby-didn't forget about you just wanted to give you your own category ... big hugs and kisses sweetie...hang in there..good things will come(they always do for the people who deserve it)
Last but certainly not least..giggles .... Pseudohippie-MMMMMMMMMUAH
Sweetie you have had me in a whirlwind of fun and laughs for over a month now and my purpose here is now moot. Searching and checking mail is a thing of the past here. Now it's all about the chat. Hiipiebaby you play the room like a set of drums thumping out wit and sarcasm to provide the pulse that is PTS chat. No offense to the rest of the gang and I'm probably a little biased anyway but Hippiebaby you MAKE the room for those of us who use it as our virtual "Cheers" not the Macy's of sex. Your ability to grab hold of the friends, involve them in the conversations, and make us all piss our pants laughing is unparalleled. I'm sure others would agree your sarcastic-tough love and pseuodosexy talk charms the laughs out until your sides hurt. And most importantly I no longer need to login to obtain access to the insanity and I'm so happy about that. ) Great to have snagged the elusive pseudo for my own!!!!
Well enough for now. Let's see if the room is till crashing-LOL
Dboobles
MrDark-
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wow
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Posted:Jul 12, 2005 8:27 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
6337 Views
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After one hell of a week I must say this site was well worth it. I've met some really cool friends and one extremely Cooooool person(or so she was voted). The PTS chatroom is the funniest place to be when you have nothing to do. The wit and camaraderie are overwhelming as well as the fun that can come from it. Hippiebaby(insert giggle here) you are spellbinding. Glad you gave me a second chance-LOL.
To all the doubters in the room-hang in there and they will come. No pun intended but what the hell. Can't wait for the next party now to meet some friends face 2 face that I have only chatted with. It seems the intriguing ones are the smartest wittiest and sweetest little badgirls in the room and I can't imagine it without them. Ever chatted in the Wisconsin chatroom-LOL. Anyway goodbye for now and I'll update when I can.
ps. Dboo-schmooooooooooches
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Virtual Hippie love
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Posted:Jun 29, 2005 4:07 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
6353 Views
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Well after an amazing chat week I've found someone that is really driving me nuts. I'm not sure why and wasn't even looking for this but I'm so glad it happened. I'm still here for some fun playtime but this little baby has my brain in knots. I'm so engrossed in everything she says and does and I can feel it's mutual. We haven't met in person yet and I'm in no rush. I think she could be someone special for me but we'll see. Although this has also brough to light a new problem. Another friend here may be getting upset by this. I'm not sure because there may be some deception taking place here. It saddens me to think someone got hurt here and saddens me even more to think that it is not her fault. In short be very careful here-honest is paramount or someone will get hurt. I think this may have happened and not due to her or my actions. I really care about this person and what they think of me and hope she can work this out with herself. My new Hippie friend(i hope more than friend) has swept me off my feet so unexpectedly that I don't know how to deal with other people I may have met. Well I'm done babbling now-xoxoxoxo-hippiebaby!
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philly-tri-state chat is like vitual expresso----zing
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Posted:Jun 26, 2005 7:09 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
6494 Views
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What a weekend. And I never left the lazyboy. The pts chat room was rocking this weekend. i can't believe how addicting it is. I know this site is for sex but goddam this room is so fucking charming that sex is just sublime there. All the girls seem to know each other real well(makes ya wonder hmmmmm). I don't think i stopped laughing saturday-you missed a great fight-12 rounds no holds barred! Fantastic day all thanks. Amazing how much fun people can have from the comforts of their own homes yet all together getting down...funky music&dancing visual here. Gotta give some shouts to some people here so........
Gurly-enuff said sweetheart xoxoxoxoxox
wantURod-when's the pool party sweetie?
Pseudohippy-we gotta get grooooovy baby-your so dam cool
HavinFun-phone's ringing ? who could that be xoxoxo
Westnjgirl-Marone-scotta bella mi amore xoxox
feisty-hey girlie
newgirlie-enuff said-pure entertainment
anniegirlie- didn't forget about ya
Tall/sound/neitske/passionstoy/whats up dudes
and no I didn't forget the star of the show....
AZZZZZZZ baby you rock the room from your stiletto wits to your camshow tits-WE ALL TYVM
well enuff for now-need another shot of pts
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To link to this blog (rm_MrDark71) use [blog rm_MrDark71] in your messages.
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